Brandon Fisher

Hey buddy! Hey! You!

Yeah, you!

No, ma’am, not you. Sorry.

Yes, sir. You, over there. Come here for a minute. I want to talk to you for a second. You’re looking a little down in the ol’ dumps, and I thought you could use a pep talk.

First of all, I just want to say that you’ve got absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, so don’t go hanging your head. Life is hard; we’re all feeling it right now, believe you me. Just take a look around!

Have you seen the latest inflation numbers?

I haven’t either, but I’ll tell you what — I don’t need any funny government statistics to see what’s staring me right in the face! Grocery prices right now? At an all-time high! How is the average John Q. Citizen like you and me supposed to afford a gallon of milk and a dozen eggs? No clue! The other day I saw a guy give his watch to the cashier to pay for a loaf of bread.

And speaking of things that keep getting better, let’s talk about the job market. All these deadbeats laying around, suckling at the government teat while hard-working, red-blooded, blue-collar Joes like us are slaving away for the Man all day long! Get a damn job, ya bums!

And don’t even get me started on the stock market — plummeting, so I’m told. I don’t own stocks, but my buddy Jeff says it’s in shambles, so I’ll take his word for it.

The point is, pal, despite all the signs that civilization is crumbling around us, YOU’VE still got so much to feel amazing about!

You’ve got your health, for one thing. Sure, you could probably stand to lose a few pounds — forty to fifty oughta do it — but who among us couldn’t? And yes, that goiter on your neck is a bit unsettling, but just throw on a turtleneck and voila! Problem solved! Just remember not to stand too close when you’re talking to people; that halitosis is getting out of control.

And if I may be so bold…you look absolutely fabulous. That comb-over? A bold choice! But hey, at least you’ve got some hair, right? And that pimple on your nose? Put your hand down, we all see it. It’s basically a conversation starter at this point — invaluable when you’re approaching the ladies. And how about your posture? All those years spent hunched over have you looking like a human shrimp — delicious!

And let’s not forget about your job! Sure, you might not be the CEO (or even a manager, or a team lead, or, well…full-time), but you’re still showing up, clocking in, and that’s what really matters! Think of all those times you came in late, spent extra time on lunch breaks, and took sick days for hangovers, and you still avoided getting fired. You deserve a raise just for that — or at the very least, you own parking space! Surviving in that toxic environment is a slog, but at least there’s free coffee in the break room. Sure, it tastes like burnt rubber, but it’s free burnt rubber.

So, chin up, champ! You’re basically killing it — or at least not completely failing. Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day. And, well, neither was your credit score.